If you've ever taken an online relationship quiz, then you may already be familiar with the idea of love languages.
Created by Gary Chapman, a marriage counselor and Baptist pastor, the concept theorizes that people express and receive love through five primary love languages: quality time, words of affirmation, gift giving, physical touch, and acts of service.
Of course, love is far too complex an experience to fit into five neat boxes, but many couples find the framework of love languages to be a useful tool.
According to Jean Fitzpatrick LP, a licensed relationship therapist in New York City, the concept of love languages can help couples express and discuss their needs.
“Although there isn’t much empirical support for the love languages framework, it’s helpful to couples because it opens up new ways of giving and receiving love,” she tells TODAY.com.
While couples with different love languages can sometimes feel like there is a “mismatch” in their manner of showing affection, Fitzpatrick encourages keeping an open mind and exploring each others' perspectives.
“Often when a partner feels unloved in a relationship, they may not realize that the difficulty isn’t a lack of love, but a different way of expressing it,” she says.
People who list quality time as their top love language feel most loved and appreciated when they spend one-on-one time with their partner.
Even if you and your partner live together, quality time goes beyond sitting on the same couch or eating breakfast at the same table.
Here's everything you should know about how to prioritize quality time in your relationship, whether it's your main love language or your partner's.
Understanding quality time
Quality time may sound like a simple concept, but it requires conscious effort.
“Quality time happens when a partner receives their partner’s undivided attention," Fitzpatrick says. "They are fully present to each other and actively engaged. Devices have been put away and the focus is on listening and making eye contact.”
It's important to note that genuine quality time shouldn't be conflated with spending time in the same room. Even when many couples were stuck at home during the pandemic lockdown, Fitzpatrick recalls that some of her patients still squabbled over spending time together.
“It wasn’t unusual for one partner to say they didn’t feel loved by or connected to the other, and the other to say in exasperation, ‘But we’re together 24/7!’” she says. "Just being together isn’t quality time.”
In Fitzpatrick's view, meaningful quality time requires intimacy, intention, and effort from both partners.
“One way to think about it is that all couples need to be looking in the same direction much of the time. They need shared goals, but they also need to be looking at each other,” she says.
What should you know if quality time is your love language?
It can be challenging to carve out free time in our busy schedules, especially when juggling work and family responsibilities.
“It’s important to recognize that everything in our culture works against quality time,” Fitzpatrick notes. “People work long hours, young parents have little support, and screen time is a magnet.”
When your need for quality time isn't being met, you may begin to feel distant from your partner, even if they try to show love in other ways. If you and your partner have different love languages, communication and empathy are key to smoothing out any potential tension.
“Instead of getting stuck in disappointment, partners can find a way forward by learning to speak each other’s love language and by learning to hear and understand each other’s love language,” Fitzpatrick says, noting that meeting each other's needs requires effort from both sides.
How to prioritize quality time in your relationship
Spending quality time with your partner is a surefire way to strengthen your bond. You don't need to plan a fancy dinner date or elaborate activity, either — solo time with your sweetheart can be as simple as sitting down together for an intentional conversation.
Fitzpatrick recommends making plenty of space for one-on-one connection.
“It’s great to have a social life, but your partner needs to feel like your number one, so make it a point to initiate dates that will help them feel like a priority,” she says.
If you feel like your partner isn't quite meeting your needs — or vice versa — communication is key.
“Rather than taking it personally if you aren’t getting the quality time you want, try to approach increasing it as a project for the two of you to improve your relationship,” Fitzpatrick says.
